Tonight was...not so good. o_o
Okay, I admit it, I was So extremely suicidal tonight. I don't know why, but I can't tell you how close I was to calling up Leslie just for someone to talk to. I had to have someone to talk to. I finally just put on "The Passion of the Christ" on my iPod and bit my hand to keep from crying. Then it was time to go, and Dad and I stopped for a mikshake and I felt a bit better. I swear I'm okay now though, really. I did write a crappy poem during though, here goes (Disclamier-it might make you cry from it's awful, terribly-written-ness. xD):Why this pain?
This pain I feel, no one can remedy
No medecine, no doctor
No flimsy casts or weak elixirs
Can lessen this pain I feel inside
Not the sharp pain of a cut
Nor the numbing pain of a broken bone
But the dull aching of a broken heart.
What did I do to bring this on?
What evil did I commit?
Please, I beg of you
Allow me to lessen it
Whether by absolution
Or by penance.
It engulphs me like an inferno
Envelopes me like the ocean
A flood of emotions
A thousand feelings
Running through my blood like a poison
Slowly, painfully asphixiating
Cutting me off from this tortured world
Like a lethal dose of cyanide,
It kills without mercy.
My vision dims
Senses quenched
Please, please, I will do anything-
Lessen this pain.
I admit, I'm a hypocrite. I've told many a person that nothing is worth ending your own life, but I now realize that when you're as far down as that, it doesn't matter in the least that it's "not right" or that "You'll be missed!!" It all sounds so superflous.
Foster Christie spoke tonight. it was really good, he's a good speaker.
Later. I promise I'll be alive my next post.
If anyone even tries to say anything about any of this to my parents or relations, I swear...Just...don't. I promise I'm okay. =/
posted by Kathryn at
3/29/2006 10:43:00 PM
5 comment(s):
Tack!! Was that last night!? WHY didn't you tell me! You know you couldv'e called me! I always leave my cell on at night! Next time call me!! If you don't I'll come to your house and chastise you myself! Girl! I love you! I don't want you to ever feel like that!
Please call me next time!
By
untamed, at
8:15 PM
As I don't want to be chatised, I think I'll call you. xD
By
Kathryn, at
8:50 PM
Oh Madd, I went thru this a couple of years ago and acutally tried to kill myself twice. It was bad. Seriously, not only would you be missed by family and friends, but you are alive for a purpose. God gave you one life to live, and you need to live it for His glory.
Hey, if you need to talk to someone (without being chastised) feel free to call me. I love counselling younger women thru stuff like this - because I've been thru it too!
clnofziger@yahoo.com
By
Carey, at
11:26 AM
" but you are alive for a purpose. "
Apparently haven't found that purpose yet. I'm so toally pointless atm.
Thanks though, I'll keep it in mind.
By
Kathryn, at
10:33 PM
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)
"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8)
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship." (Romans 12:1)
"Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." (Proverbs 16:3,9)
"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." (Proverbs 19:21)
The books of Ecclesiates and Job are good to read during times of depression. Really helped me to get in focus.
By
Carey, at
7:41 AM
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