Whellp...
Well, to quote my favourite POD song, "If joy really comes in the morning light, then I'm gonna sit back and wait until the next sunrise."
I'm great today. I did all my schoolwork and extra, talked to Ash, played Neo a bit, and screwed around a lot.
I'm weird. I was flipping through my math book, looking for addition/subtraction/multiplication problems to do out of sheer boredom. Really, when you get me started, I love math, at least the easy stuff. If you tell me to do it, however, and pester me about it, I won't do it. I'll tell you I did, but I won't and no one can make me.
I'm so weird. Really I like school, but I've better things to occupy my time that school. xD
Later.
<3-Madd
o_o
Regarding my ;ast post, I want you to understand that by "suicidal" I don't mean "knife-to-throat or gun-to-hear or sleeping-pills-and-bathfub-ful-of-water" suicidal. I mean "It-can't-feel-any-worse-than-this-I-wonder-if-death-is-better-than-life" suicidal/
I don't have and never will have the nerve to slit the throat, pull the trigger, or pop the pills.
I guess "extremely depressed" might have been a better term.
Etheir way, I've never felt lower and it was horrible.
God seems so far away and I'm slowly losing my sense of what's going on.
In real life, my grades are failing, and in my spiritual life God's slipping away to be nothing more than a nice word for Sunday.
I feel that if I can just make it to Camp, everything will be okay.
Everythign is always automaticly okay at Camp.
The people I love most surround and care for me, and no wordly distractions keep me from God.
I'm crying now for missing Camp.
I seriously need help.
I wish I was "close" enough to any of the youth-leaders to ask them for help.
I can't even say "hi" to them without my voice shaking.
=/
Tonight was...not so good. o_o
Okay, I admit it, I was So extremely suicidal tonight. I don't know why, but I can't tell you how close I was to calling up Leslie just for someone to talk to. I had to have someone to talk to. I finally just put on "The Passion of the Christ" on my iPod and bit my hand to keep from crying. Then it was time to go, and Dad and I stopped for a mikshake and I felt a bit better. I swear I'm okay now though, really. I did write a crappy poem during though, here goes (Disclamier-it might make you cry from it's awful, terribly-written-ness. xD):
Why this pain?
This pain I feel, no one can remedy
No medecine, no doctor
No flimsy casts or weak elixirs
Can lessen this pain I feel inside
Not the sharp pain of a cut
Nor the numbing pain of a broken bone
But the dull aching of a broken heart.
What did I do to bring this on?
What evil did I commit?
Please, I beg of you
Allow me to lessen it
Whether by absolution
Or by penance.
It engulphs me like an inferno
Envelopes me like the ocean
A flood of emotions
A thousand feelings
Running through my blood like a poison
Slowly, painfully asphixiating
Cutting me off from this tortured world
Like a lethal dose of cyanide,
It kills without mercy.
My vision dims
Senses quenched
Please, please, I will do anything-
Lessen this pain.
I admit, I'm a hypocrite. I've told many a person that nothing is worth ending your own life, but I now realize that when you're as far down as that, it doesn't matter in the least that it's "not right" or that "You'll be missed!!" It all sounds so superflous.
Foster Christie spoke tonight. it was really good, he's a good speaker.
Later. I promise I'll be alive my next post.
If anyone even tries to say anything about any of this to my parents or relations, I swear...Just...don't. I promise I'm okay. =/
Just listening to the last of
One of my favorite songs,
Speed of Sound.
Coldplay rocks my socks.
You should go buy
X&Y.
I'm sure you've
Noticed I'm typing weird.
It takes me much longer to
Type like this,
And concequently i tend to make less
Of my stupid typos.
It also takes you longer to read.
And it makes my puny posts
Look much bigger.
I post like this all the
Time on Neo.
And people take me more seriously
Because they know I don't type everything
All in one second, in
A spurt of anger,
Or whatever.
If you think
It's annoying,
Or bothersome,
I won't post like it
On Blogger.
I started The Wager
Last night.
It's incredibly good.
This guy,
Michael Steel, is a famous,
Hot movie star.
Think Pierce Brosnan.
Only a Christian,
Trying to live out the Sermon on the Mount
Through a crumbling marriage
And his producers, writers, and managers trying
To convince him to
Do the pre-marital sex thing with some hot girl he rescued.
And he's divided.
I ended there.
Read it.
I made a long list of awesome words
That I plan to use as names
As soon as I get enough animals to use them all.
I'll post a few of my
Favorites:
Irrelevant
Apocalypse
Inevitable ("Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? *silence*... /That/...is the sound...of inevitability.")
Stockholm (A city in Sweden.)
Megalomania (Google Define (
www.google.com, then "Define:-word goes here-") it. Real word.)
Unintended
Tailored
Asphixiated (Smothered, air supply cut off, whatever)
Oblivion
Fortitude
Mockery
Dementia
(Ash, you'll probably recognize a lot of these)
That's just a few. So far I've /used/
Bliss (A blue horse that has hair just like Matt's), Seraph (Meaning "angel". Again, Google Define it. It's a pretty leopard Jess got me), and Spectrum (a rainbow cat, for obvious reasons)
Yes,
I'm old, and still
Collect stuffed animals.
I love them.
I can't sleep without my Trevor.
I have so many.
When I was little,
I would name them by their color.
I had about thirteen
Pinkies,
Ten Blackies,
And a bunch of Brownies.
I was weird then.
If you'd have told me I was to name my animals
With big words like
Inevitable, I'd have told you
Nothing, I would have run away,
As I wasn't allowed to talk to strangers.
Got to go get ready to go to Tennisee.
More later,
<3-madd
Sup.
Hey everyone.
I hope you checked out those two blogs
I posted earlier.
Little Women is getting boring into the second part.
I want to start this new book I found,
The Wager, by Bill Myers.
If you don't ever read any other book,
Read the Bible.
Then read Eli, by Bill Myers.
It's...insanely good.
I won't give away the storyline,
But it's like, What it would be like if Jesus didn't come 2k years ago,
He came today.
In this day and age.
Bill spares no feelings.
I doubt he's afraid of offending anyone.
He writes incredibly well.
As Steph would say,
It's not him writing,
It's God,
Writing through him.
If you've not noticed,
I've not been posting on the other blog Step and me share.
I've barely enough time to keep this one semi-up to date.
Forgive me.
I'm a slacker.
More later.
<3-madd
Wh007.
Sweet. Found some ownsome new blogs exploring today. You've got to check them out, really.
www.careysjournal.blogspot.comwww.theearthcanbemoved.blogspot.comCheck them out, dawgs.
*giggle*
Hey, while I'm all being shallow here, let me go ahead and post about some other way-beyond-hot guys. Any snide comments will be laughed at. xD
First, we have Marc Warren, as Danny Blue on the brand-spankin' new TV show (on AMC and BBC), Hustle. Not to mention my favorite show, and not just because of Marc.
He's this adorable Australian accent that I try to talk in (and fail miserably). He's by no stretch of the imagine "innocent" as it may seem (he carries around five cell phones labeled Doctor, Pilot, CEO, etc.), and as it is he's quite the chick maganet. But (females), look at him and tell me you don't think he's at least remotely cute.
If you have any self-respect at all, you'll watch Hustle every Saturday night at ten on AMC. (picture (c) BBC.com)
And the other one is Matthew Bellamy, of my favorite band Muse, which has become a bit of an obsession lately (I wrote "Muse <3" style="CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/3611/1876/320/17.jpg" border="0">
This is Muse. Left to right, Chris, Matt, and Dom.
This is Matt, asleep with a puppeh. xD
^ And this was when my poor dear Matthew hit his mouth on his guitar. He tried to keep singing, but he had to stop. he ran off-stage yelling "I've messed (he used the f-word actually) up my mouth!!!" He had to have stitches in his mouth and was out of all thr gigs for a good long time. Poor, dear Matt.
Last but not least, Matt seemingly sucking his thumb. Awwwww. xD I lurve this picture above all the others.His hair is all in a state of dissaray....Matt....in a word...dissaray.
Meep! Got to go wash my hair. if you'd like more info on these, you can Google them, or go to
www.bbc.co.uk/hustle for Danny and just google Images Matt, you'll get a thousand pics of him. Matthew bellamy, is his name. <3
P.S. Here's the lyrics to one of Muses' best songs. See what I mean about Matt's brilliant lyric-writing mind.
Link it to the world
Link it to yourself
Stretch it like a birth squeeze
The love for what you hide
For bitterness inside
Is growing like the new born
When you’ve seen, seen too much
Too young, young
Soulless is everywhere
Hopeless time to roam
The distance to your home
Fades away to nowhere
How much are you worth?
You can’t come down to earth
You’re swelling up
You’re unstoppable
Cause you’ve seen
Seen too much
And too young
Young
Soulless is everywhere
Destroy the spineless
Show me it’s real
Wasting our last chance
To come away
Just break a silence
Cause I’m drifting away
Away from you
Yeah link it to the world
Link it to yourself
Stretch it like it’s a birth squeeze
And the love for what you hide
And the bitterness inside
Is growing like the new born
When you’ve seen, seen too much
Too young, young
Soulless is everywhere
Destroy the spineless
Show me it’s real
Wasting our last chance
To come away
Just break a silence
Cause I’m drifting away
Away from you
What up.
*ywan* Sorry 'tis been so long since I posted. I've no excuse, just lazy.
Reading Little Women. Good book. A bit old perhap, but good nevertheless.
Parents are gone, just me and Jess (He's eighteen, 200 pounds, and 6'2'', don't even think of trying to break in or anything, he'd smash you to powder, kay?). Fun.
Finnally getting some progress on my room...the last windowsill is drying as we speak (will still need a second and third coat though), got the bedside table bought and painted (not easy, the wood is rough! Like...painting a tree trunk, really.), got matching boxes for my AOL cds (You know, the free ones you get sent in the mail and that they have at Best Buy, Cuircit City, and all those places. Last count-75?? If you've got any I don't have I'll pay top dollar for them. Most are in mint condition, and I have a few really nice ones-two wood-product boxes, a plastic clear, complicated case, a black plastic trap-door type, and one other I forgot as well as about 10 of the kind that are in the DVD-type cases, and dozens and dozens of thin plastic and cardboard-coated ones), got them all organized, got a nice cute planter that matches (putting rocks and dead reeds in! How fun! *blink*), stole my bro's desk (it matched, it was gathering its sixth inch of dust in his room, like he cared anyhow), and a few other smaller stuffs. I got all-new pinnows(For you, 'Trina! ILU still!), blankets, comforter, and stuff. Maybe eventually if I can get my lazy butt upstairs I'll take a pic or two for ya.
Dad (what a sweetie) put a TV up there for me and is letting me use his cable from his study adjascent (sp?) from my room so I can watch TV-all 78 channels we get- in my room as I work. Also the iPod has a connector that connects to the surround-sound system in his study, so I can rock out to Muse or anything I like. Owned.
Not much else to say. Think I'llsee if the paint on my windowsill is dry yet. Byeah!
<3-Madd
Sup.
Hey everyone, check out Steph's and mine new blog. It's
www.lightbulbpaperclip.blogspot.com. I'll add a link on the side in a few.
I'll be attempting the superhuman feat of keeping both blogs burrent. Bleh.
Oh, yeah.
I nearly forgot. I read a REALLY good book thjis week. it's called
The Bloodstone Chronicles by Bill Myers and is AWESOMEEE! I highly reccomend it. I cried during a few parts. And it takes a ::lot:: to make me cry, eh.
Raight-oh. I'm going to change my layout now. Whuut.
<3-Madd
Jon Heder :o
Hey, has anyone ever seen Jon Heder (For all you out-of-the-times people, he's Napoleon in the stupidest and funniest movie ever, Napoleon Dynamite) without his mouth hanging open and hair curly? He's so freaking HOT! Oh my GOSH! I was looking through pictures of him this evening and was amazed. Omg <3333.
FE:
Like, isn't he adorable? I'm amazed. I must admit he wasn't too adorable in ND.
But hey! He's in two new movies now! One, Just like Heaven, he's a co-star of some kind. And the newest,
Benchwarmers, he's the star! Wh00t! GO JON!
ILY all. See you soon.
<3-Madd
P.S. No stealing my picture of Jon. <3<3<3<3
Wh00t!
GOT MY CAST OFFFFF!!!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAAAAAYYYYY!!!!
...mnyeah. Sorry. I'm sleepeh.
That's about it. I'm tired and want to go to bed, so g'night.
<3-Madd
More deep (ish) thoughts.
Sup? Been busy. Re-decing my room. Lookin' good.
Waitin' for the pizza rolls, eh. Yum. I was listening to Irene (Toby Mac, Momentum. Good song. Go buy it from iTunes, now.) and was thinking that I say that I believe in God, eh? I have faith, eh? Then how come I can't walk on water? As if I haven't tried. Me and a friend long ago had this pool game we played called "Step of Faith". We's walk over to the deep end, then take a hug step right on top of the water. I always used to (and still do) try to convince myself that I /can/. God said I could move a mountian, why can't I walk on water, eh? We tried...and tried...and tried. Guess what? Water's not solid. It won't hold us up. It's impossible. We didn't walk on water. Never will. But my point is, if you say you believe in God, you say you have faith, then go run to the nearest lake and see how right you are. I totally believe God that I can move a mountian, walk on water, make politicians honest, or what ever. But if I believe I can do it, why can't I?
What does this tell you about faith? You got it, you're home free. Unfortunately, few have it. I know /I/ don't. If I did, why am I curently walking around with crutches? Why am I not healed? Why is there world hunger? If I could move a mountian, give me a reason why I couldon't stop world hunger.
Deep thoughts. Fun to spice up a boring afternoon. ^^;
Gotta go preheat the oven (I'm not acutally waiting on the PRs. I haven't even turned the oven on. I lied.). Talk to you soon. Byeah!
<3-Katy
Mehh.
Meep, should have gone to bed an hour ago, it's past 12 now and we're going to the 8:30 service tomorrow. FYI I'm not running MS, not sure if Jonathan got my email or not but nevertheless Ashley's running it. Makes me all the more depressed, really. I feel so flippin' useless all the time. I've had to back out the last two (and the first two) times for running camera in Elevate, because of my foot.
Anyhow, I'm scheduled to work the last week in March, and I should have teh cast off. If I don't I'm gonna have to do something. I don't know but it won't be nice.
Anyway, the real reason I cam on here is to write up what I've been pondering all day. Not really sure if it will make sense here, everything makes perfect sense in my head but when it comes out everyone's all like WTC?? So I'll try. Moving on.
What I was thinkin' was that when you go somewhere, you try your best to look nice, right? And everyone's waiting on you, and telling you that you look fine, etc. Been there?
My point being that it doesn't matter in the least what you really look like. If you think you look great, if doesn't matter if you look crap, becasue despite all those negative thoughts, no one really cares. If they care for you, how you dress, etc, shouldn't matter at all. FE. I wear spikey bracelets, have a red streak in my hair, mix-n-match clothes that shouldn't even be near each other, and wear a thick, heavy chain around my neck. /I/ think I look cool (not to brag, ksl). It doesn';t matter how I /really/ look to others, becasue I think I look good. Do you understand? I seem to be repeating myself in different forms, so forgive me here.
On the opposite side, if you think you look like a fresh dog doo, then it doesn't matter. If you absolutely HATE that top on you, it doesn't matter how it looks to other people, because /you/ think it looks awful. You wear it and keep your head down, your jacket on, and creep the hallways, just sure that everyone is talking about how awful you look it it. Right? Eh?
It's all a matter of opinion. I wouldn't even get close to some of the clothes my friends wear, but they look great to me, because I love them, and they could roam the halls in a sackcloth for all I care. Love and friendships should never depend on clothing, hairstyle, how much your "daddy" makes a year, or what guy you go with. If your friends are judging you on that, they're not really friend, are they?
Another though I'd had. More of a pet peeve converted into a deep thought, really. I hate it when people judge things by another's opinions. FE. The Harry Potter books. I was reading a book on them by some Christian author who said that she was at a ladies' luncheon and asked what they thought about the HP books. She got ZOMG YOU DEVIL-WOMAN!!! stares and glares. None of them had read them but all of them thought they were, in my own words, from the Devil himself. One was even abhored to Tolkien and C.S.Lewis books. One said that she'd been given one and promptly threw it away. One said that she'd never read them but she thought they were evil because a "Christian author I trust" said that they were bad. That makes me SO mad! You can't form an opinion based on another's opinion. When you do, it's no longer really an opinion, is it? I'll leave you to that. But think on it. When you form an opinion based on another's, it ceases to become an opinion. Hmm.
ILU all! Thanks for reading, once, more, my ramblings. I'll think of you all next time I'm making an opinion. xD
BTW, I'm seriously making an attempt to write more. I relaise that I negelcted posting for a very long time, and I'm sorry.
ILU! Be good and don't EVER cease to walk with God. I'm such a hypocrite.
<3-Madd, Tack, Katy, Fluf, or You Idiot Get Out Of My Room (my brother calls me that)
