Oh, yeah...
Oh, and by the way, when Ashley talked tonight, she talked about fasting, so...I won't be posting at all tomorrow. I'm on a computer fast, since the computer is what occupies most of my time of the day. I plan to focus on God, mostly, and school. ;) Talk to you Friday.
Hey!
Hey everyone!
Just got back from church. Zong, it was AMAZING. We had senior night, and it went 'til 8. WOW. Afterwards, me and Steph and Leah went to the new Statik Prayer room. I wrote some stuffs on the walls. While writing "The name of the Lord is a strong tower" in yellow gel pen, I noticed "Lord, take away the cutting...please..." on the wall near me. Surprisingly it wasn't my writing. Steph prayed for me, and then I curled up on a pillow, flanked by steph and Leah, and cried for a while. It was wonderful though. I've never felt so loved by my friends, or by God. I can't wait until the next time I go to church, I'm heading straight to the prayer room.
In case you're wondering, the Statik Prayer Room is fairly small, and the ceiling has been taken out. There is a beam acorss the middle supporting two blacklights. Across the back wall is a counter with candles, books, bibles, notebooks, and lots of other stuffs. The other three walls are covered in prayers, cries to god, verses, names of God, and maps. There's Sharpies and gel pens and stuff on the floor so you can write. Six black pillows line the edge of the room to sit on, lay on, etc. In the middle of the room there's a small platform with a sign "Take off your shoes-this is holy ground" and water and towels uptop. It is AMAZING. Ashley said she wants to live there. <3
Mmkay, talk to you all later. All my loves.
<3-madd
About glow-in-the-dark stuffs.
They do not actually give of light, which I found out walking out in the dark to get my drink. I was holding my spiffy new glow-in-the-dark Frisbee Mom got for us, and suddenly...WHAM! Miss Random old shelf sitting on porch, meet Mr. Toe. Ouch.
So, limping, I go out to the car, grab my drink, and run back inside (avoiding Miss Shelf this time). Big swig...EEEEEEWWW. Strawberry-peach tea. See, it /sounds/ good, but it's only supposed to be peach. I'd forgotten that I dropped a Twizzler in there to use as a straw. Chunky, murky, strawberry peach tea. Mm. And I bet the Twizzler is even tastier!
So yeah. Mmm. Chunky peach stew....
:o
Hey loves. Sorry it's been so long. I feel bad for not posting. xP
How is everyone? I hope you're feeling okay.
I got depressed Thursday night. I cut again. Seven times. I feel terrible, but it really helped for a while. Only for a while though.
Mum and Dad and I watched Napoleon Dynamite tonight. It was nice. 8)
Jesse graduated, finally. Awww. He looked so sweet in his gown.
And as for Lightbulb (post below), I saw him today. I ignored him completely. We sang
Inside Out, and it kind of felt like I was giving him up to love God "from the inside out". I know I can't serve two gods. I still love Lightbulb, but as more of a leader-child type of love. It might take time, but I'm ready to start down that road, finally. I think. Oh God, I hope.
I love you all. Praying for you much.
<3-madd
Hatred
I saw you today. I was watching you.
You never saw meYou'll never change. You talk about how God loves us so much and how we should love our neighbors as ourselves, but you walk by me without a glance as I cry my silent tears.
You're such a hypocrite! I try every day I see you to give you another chance. I know you can. You just don't care.
What can I change to make you love meTalk to us about respecting the one talking-then you won't even respect me enough to talk to me.
I can't talk to youYou are so thoughtless. I was sitting in plan view of you, sobbing, and you walk by me without a kind word or at least an insincere "Are you okay?"
I'm never okayWhat's wrong with you? You think that just because you have a great job and handsome features you can get away with being cruel to me?
You're so haughtyI don't know how you treat everyone else. I really don't care. I feel my pain, not theirs. And I feel it sharply. Much as I try to curl up inside myself, to hide my emotions from the world, I'm not made that way. My emotions come out, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I can't hide inside the liesYou want to know why I was crying today? I felt so useless. I can't even do my hated assigned job, for some unknown reason. I sacrifice my time, time when I could be doing other things for myself, to come and help you. I hate it with a passion, but I love you enough to keep going.
When you walked by, not caring, it fueled the self-worthless feeling eating at me.
Why doesn't he care? What have I done to make him hate meYes, I love you. I love you more than Life itself. I think about you constantly.
And yet, I'll be lucky if you even have a passing thought about me.
I'm not important enough to consume your timeI run like a racehorse to please you. You don't care. I've done everything I know how to make you notice.
Running in circles, I'm chasing my tailI hate your self-confident smile. I know that behind it, you're crying out for love, just like me.
Can't hide foreverI'll love you for always and for ever. Whether you love me or not. You'll always be my special love.
Always and forever, love you for always
Whoot
I got it how I want it, finally. ;) Better than nothing, anyway.
Jason, in honor of you, the colour of the unclicked links is called "Cadet".
I'm such a weirdo.
<3-madd
x3
Working on a new backdrop. Ignore any crappy-looking stuff for a while while I try to put in a text blog.
Rule For Living #546,547,913,084
Rule for Living:
When non-sticky tab on flypaper breaks, discard. DO NOT attempt to pull apart paper with hands.
Come on, who would have thought that glue wouldn't come off?
*sigh*
:o An anniversary celebration!
It's been a whole week, today, since I cut myself last! Whoot! *gets out noise-makers then realizes that they will wake parents*
Yeah, anyway. I'm getting over a slight cold today, it was worst yesterday, today it's just annoying. Cleaned a bunch of my tack, mainly the leather, as I found some great leather moisturizer on the shelf, that I'd forgotten about.
Er...not much else. Boring week. xP
Night.
<3-madd
Song of Solomon
I've recently read SoS again. It's...wow.
It's intense, passionate, and filled with pure, unrestrained love.
It's a great book to read when you're feeling unloved. A good reminder of how much Jesus loves you-His love for you (and me, I guess, too) is pure, intense, passionate, and more amazing that anything you'll ever experience.
It is, however, rather sexually charged, rofl. They need a "Rated PG-13" on the front.
While I'm already rambling, I LOVED Genesis. It was awesome. I'm reading it for the third time. It's packed full of awesome stories, especially in the Message version. It's awesome. I need to re-read the Gospels too, they're uber-cool.
Bleh, it's time for bed. G'night.
<3-madd
Sup!
Hey everyone! I went riding today, had fun. Flash did great.
I bought The Giver and Warriors #6 the other day at Borders. I've finished Giver, it was great but too short. I'm excited about reading Warriors-it's the last book in the series. It's a bit young for me, but I love the series, it feeds my obsession for cats.
For anyone who plays Neopets regularly (Let me see...None of you? xP), and in case you care, I'm working on the Altador plot, finally. I'm on my sixth constellation, but I'm stuck in the Punch Club. Ugh, I'm sick of punch. :P I've gotten my telescope, badge, and broken thing, which I haven't gotten fixed at Donny's yet, just in case it needs to stay broken, I can always fix it later.
Been working on my goal...atm I have 250k...Much more than I've ever had at one time, but not nearly enough for a Royal PB for my Royalboy Uni. I still need to get a name, too.
I got a cool leather bracelet yesterday! *smiles blankly* Jesse keeps stealing it, so it must be good.
I FINALLY finished my EOG's...End of year tests...SATs...Whatever you all call them. I only had them for two days as I'm the only one testing with her. Fun, but rather lonely and boring.
We /actually/ went and ordered a pizza for supper tonight. I'm impressed. Mom was sick and didn't feel like fixing dinner, and Dad was sore from riding all day, so Mom was like, "Let's order a pizza!" And we did. It was good.
Weirdness...I opened my book-bad the other week, and found an old, worn hat with a sweet note...I don't know who it's from, but I wear the hat everywhere. It's a cool hat, I love it. I dunno who put it there though...
Er...well, I'm kind of at lack for something more to ramble on about my boring life, so yeah...have a good day, eat your vegetables, hug a tree, etc.
<3-madd
P.S. I haven't cut myself since Friday- be proud of me. xD
An Ode to the Terrorists
Alright, guys. Listen up.
You can kill us off,
One by one.
You can blow up our buildings,
Poison our mail,
Destroy our oil.
You're more than welcome to go on your little Jahids for your god and kill us to appease him.
You can buy weapons off us.
But let me tell you one thing.
We may be overweight and spoiled,
But we are AMERICANS.
And that's a heck of a lot more than you will ever attain.
We are Americans, and no chant-screaming, head-wrapped little man strapped with C4 can take that away.
You can take over our country.
You can kill us all.
But the spirit that inside us all will live on.
We are Americans.
We are free.
We are united as one.
And guess what?
You screw with that, man,
And we will take you DOWN.
'Cause we're Americans.
And nothing can take that away.
So angry
Right now I'd give anything to cut myself. Writing is my favourite hobby so I'll rant through words instead of blood.
My mum and I were messing around, and she called my eighteen-year-old bro in to pull me out. He grabs me by my ankles and pulls me off the four-foot-high bed. He's strong so I have to let go, and I land on my knee. NOT FUN. I start to cry, and Mum tells him to leave me alone, but he pulls me up and carries me into the hallway, where he proceeds to throw me out the door onto the porch. I run back in and kich him as hard as I can (I've been practicing, i can kick high), and hit him in the crotch. He yells at me and tackles me into the door, and throws my sholder right onto the doorknob. Of course I get yelled at for kicking him, etc, but no one cares that I'm hurt too. "You went WAY too far", Jesse goes, and I said, "Oh, and YOU didn't?" and run up the stairs. I'm too angry to sleep atm, even though it's nearly twelve. I came SO close to grabbing my knife before I came back down. It's just behind my bedside table...
So yeah, my day's been good before tonight. I rode Flash for a looong time, then we went down to the overlook in the woods and sat for a while. I remember how when I was little I'd go there and wish I had a loyal companion to take me places. Flash is a dream come true. I love him so much.
Bedtime, loves.
night,
<3-madd
^^;
Here goes, all.
Carey, Jason, Olivia, Leah, Jenna, Anna, and anonymous:
I am, at this time, 10:56 PM on Wedsnesday, May tenth, 2006, publicly renouncing my habit and asking you all for your help in recovering. For about a month now, I have been slicing my arms and legs. Through many tears I talked to Leah and Stephanie, and they prayed for me, and have helped me in the second step of the healing. It's incredibly hard right now, but I believe that with the power of my Christian friends' prayer and most of all God, I can overcome this.
Cheesy soap-operaish as this sounds, it is MY LIFE. I have renounced it, and plan to never return. Steph and I agreed that it's not a good idea to tell my parents right now, so PLEASE, help me on this and keep quiet to them and anyone in contact with them. I'l telling you all, my friends, this in confidence that you will keep my trust.
Olivia, I lied. I wasn't scratching my arm, your mum's so insightful. I do expect you to, out of respect for me, not tell her so, however.
Leah and Stephie, I know you won't, and I appreciate that SO much.
Jenna, Stephanie assured me that you wouldn't tell my parents anything, I hope that's true.
Carey and Jason, I know you can't, so I'm not even gonna bother. Thanks.
In case anyone was wondering, this here: http://implodinghead.blogspot.com/2006/05/bwah_02.html
wasn't just a made-up story. It was a short autobiography of that very night, with a few minor changes.
Thanks for reading my ramblings. Love you all.
<3-madd
Fun. o_o;
1:04
Hi!
I went clothes-shopping for the first time ever in a real store. Went to Sears. Got some awesome jeans, a Sprite and a Coke shirt (Yay for Coke), a brown skirt, two pairs of black pants, and an aweshum camo fitted jacket. And some shoes and a cool pair of dangly earrings. .
6:23
Just got back in from riding. Flashey and I are learnign trick riding. Can't recall the term for it. Dangerous and FUN. Rofl. Bored atm. ;;
<3-madd
If you haven't already...
Go here.
http://www.studiohunty.com/dungeon/
Fun and tests your reaction skills! xD
Random day of the thought
If God is love, then doesn't the verse "Love is faithful and kind and is long-suffering" or however it goes, mean "God is faithful, kind, and long-suffering"?
Also, I just found this out. Windows button(that little button at the bottom that brings up your Start menu) + L logs you out of Windows into the main XP screen, where you enter your password etc. It leaves all your programs exactly how they were, very handy if someone *coughparentcough* walks by...
Bwah. =)
Anna said that RoE was really good, and that I should write more stories. I'm bored anyway, so yeah, I think I will. ^^; I need a subject though, and I've writers-block. xD Bleh. This one's bad but I was totally mind-blank...
She stared into space, the bright colours of the toy carousel blurring as her eyes filled with tears. Why did it have to be her?
Her life was perfect to the casual observer. Wonderful, loving parents, a Christian home, a protective older brother. She even had most of the things girls dream of-a big, pretty room, a horse, a big farm. She had everything she wanted and more-an iPod, a cell phone, a personal computer, usually at least a bit of cash on-hand. Her friends were numerous and loyal, loving, and caring. She excelled in school and generally in life.
She lifted the pen and, satisfied, replaced the cap. Skimming over the poem, she smiled inwardly as she read the last line, "And won't you save me from this hell they call life?" It was perfect.
The cell phone on the desk next to her rang, and she paused to savor the ring tone-Linkin Park, her favourite. She flipped it open. Telemarketer. Disgusted, she closed it and sighed.
Now I'm bored.
She glanced around for something to occupy her. Her eyes fell on a Target gift card, a gift from her birthday that she'd never gotten around to using. She picked it up, bits of dirt sliding off it. On the front was a big, flowery design.
Ugh. She flipped it over. Black and white. A big disclaimer and a long ID number.
pushing it away, she picked up the money on her desk and counted it again. Ten bucks. One-quarter of the money she'd gotten from selling her old clothes, but the rest she'd owed anyway. Flipping through it, she rearranged it so the faces were all facing up, and replaced it under the lamp.
One minute until bedtime. She signed again and closed her notebook, filled with sketches, names, and schedules for different things.
11:30. She smiled.
Finally. She picked up her dagger and placed it on the chair as to not forget it. Pushing her chair backward, she exited to brush her teeth.
Upon her return, she discreetly picked up the knife, bid her family good-night, and ran up the stairs. Finally content, she satisfied herself by slicing her legs with the dagger, feeling the anger and resentment seep out with the blood.
Of course no one knew. It wasn't something she advertised.
Hello, my name is Ana and I cut!! Please get me therapy and lectures now! Thank-you. Fact was, it was a complete secret but for the two people that could never tell, her friends from online. They'd pestered her and prodded her, but she wasn't going to tell anyone in this lifetime.
She gingerly blotted off the blood and laid down. It'd been a close call yesterday. She'd removed her jacket for a few moments and Dad had noticed the few cuts she kept on her arm. She brushed him off as being "Cat scratched me" and "Probably the horse, or something". She knew he suspected, so she had to refrain from slicing her arms, allowing the deepest wounds to heal, to her disgust. She compensated by cutting deeper on her legs. These were easy to conceal as she wasn't ever seen without jeans reaching at least to the floor.
Sighing deeply once more, she threw the blankets over her head and allowed sleep to overtake her, filling her with pleasant dreams of a life where everything wasn't perfect.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
He lurked right outside her window. She was an idiot, not to see him. He'd nearly advertised himself being there. Slowly unsheathing the gun from his belt, he stalked back into the shadows to wait.
o_o;
Been a long time. yeah, I'm still alive, however barely. B)
I don't have anything to say, actually. Yeah.
Peace out. B)
<3-madd
